The Ties That Bond
What Parenting Experts are Saying About “Family”
Q&A
Press Release

The Heart of Family

A Conversation with Howard B. Schiffer, author of ‘How To Be A Family – The Operating Manual’

Q: Why did you write ‘How To Be A Family – The Operating Manual’

HBS:  One of my dear friends had really been wanting to have a family for some time and every time he came over to our house, he’d say ‘You really have something special here with your kids’. It got me thinking about what made it special and all we had been through together. I decided it would be a perfect gift for him to write down all I had learned. I thought back to when we first started and immediately realized how clueless I was. It struck me as ironic that we were so ill prepared for parenthood and how it would have been great to have been given a basic instruction manual at the beginning. I thought about how with everything in life from your cell phone to your dvd player you get an instruction manual but people start families knowing so little. After I wrote ‘Family’ many parents came up to me and said ‘You were right, when we left the hospital I didn’t even know how to burp my baby. We got home and I remember looking at my baby and thinking, okay, what do I do next?!’

Q: Isn’t this ridiculous though, do people really need a book on ‘How To Be A Family?’

HBS: Families and relationships are actually one of the biggest areas in our lives where we receive absolutely no training at all. What do parents say to their kids? ‘Find someone who treats you well’ – very vague, general statements. Of course you can have someone who treats you well and is also an awful parent. Or you can find someone who is a good parent but cannot hold down a job. So there are many issues to consider when starting a family. Some people have had good role models from their parents on how to be a family but times have changed and families are facing new issues today, like just the lack of time and the prevalence of violence and crime in our culture, so they need new information.

Q: But isn’t parenting a natural response?

HBS: The instinct and ability to nurture a child is natural. But parenting skills are learned behaviors. If you didn’t have any good role models when you were a child, you have to begin to unlearn some of the negative behaviors you may have picked up and repattern some open and loving responses to your kids – that’s what I call ‘heart-centered’ parenting.

Q: How do families change patterns and transform into heart-centered environments as you describe?

HBS: It’s a gradual process and it happens in the small details. The first and maybe most important step is commitment – to have the conviction that you are going to start changing your perspective and your behavior. The next thing is to begin being honest and paying attention to the details. Ask yourself if this is how you want to be with your children? Are mornings a struggle with lots of upset or are your kids leaving the house in great shape on their way to school?  Be honest with yourself and you will soon start noticing when things aren’t working; Is every shopping trip a fight? Are you just trying to get through feeding them dinner without a major drama? Do you feel they’re ungrateful and not appreciating all they have? Do you feel connected with your children?  Don’t just look for the big blow outs. Are your boundaries kind and firm? Are you giving your kids a chance to participate in taking care of your home?  Are you starting their day by telling them how much you love them or ending their day by singing them to sleep?  Day-to-day life exists in many small events.

Q: Is this just for rich folks? Would this work for regular working families too?

HBS: Doing heart-centered parenting is not about money or class, it’s about making your family a priority. Saying a blessing before a meal or being there for your kid’s basketball game on the weekend is something everyone can do. You don’t have to have an inflatable jumping structure and magicians and puppet shows for your child’s birthday, a simple party with just the family and a cake that you made will tell your child how special they are to you.

Q: You said ‘change your perspective’, what does that mean?

HBS: The perspective I’m talking about is that you are on an incredible life journey with your kids and you are always looking for opportunities to honor that connection. Changing your perspective is reaching deep down when you are tired and rushed and deciding to make breakfast for your daughter, even though she didn’t respond the first two times you asked her. Or being willing to talk with your son when he tells you he is having a hard time with his friends, even after you went back to his room to tell him how upset you were by his behavior at the dinner table. In that moment everything can change. You are escaping the drudgery and remembering what being a parent is all about. 

Q: So what’s the difference between your book and every other parenting book on the market?

HBS: I call my book a ‘pre-parenting’ book. Most other parenting books are either written from the parents perspective in trying to show them how to change their behavior to be more effective with their children (e.g. How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen) or from the child’s perspective trying to explain their behavior to the parent so the parents will know how to care for them (e.g. Caring For Your Baby And Young Child: Birth To Age 5). But ‘How To Be A Family – The Operating Manual’ is really all about our connection with our children and how to view that in a way that motivates us to change how we interact with them. ‘Family’ sees the connection with our children as a sacred trust and as a dance in which we all get to learn to grow together.

 Q:  You’ve said that untrained parents are just as dangerous as untrained drivers. Are you serious?

HBS: Quite serious. Think about the implications and costs to our society of having parents who have no idea what they are doing. Start off by going to the prison system and see how many inmates came from well adjusted functional homes. Ask teachers who the problem kids are in school. Go to the police station and ask the sergeant for the profile of the typical kid who winds up in juvenile hall. Strong and healthy families are the fabric for a strong society.

Q: Youth violence results from families breaking down?

HBS: Yes absolutely, this is one of the ways in which children can act out. For therapists working with families in distress, they’re always concerned for how dysfunction, abuse, or divorce may be affecting the children and what the children will start doing; drinking or drugs to avoid the situation, or anti-social behavior to get their parent’s attention.

Q: Did you really say that parents should have to take a written test before they have a family?

HBS: To get a drivers license you have to take a written test, an eye test and a behind-the-wheel driving test but people are allowed to start families with very little information. I was trying to make a point but honestly I would be happy to see parents required to take a class before having children. If we want to transform families, it’s going to take some education. There are programs now in communities across the country trying to keep families together. My thought is to offer the tools to people before they begin families as a preventive measure.

Q: Your book is about one kind of family, what about other kinds of families?

HBS: At the beginning of my book I say that different families will have different needs. I believe the foundation that my book gives will help any type of family. However if you are a step parent family, or a gay parent family, or an adoptive family, or a mixed marriage family, I suggest finding other people and support groups who can share special information with you on the particular needs and issues for that type of family.

Q: Is this just for people who are starting families for the first time?

HBS: Some of the first fans for ‘How To Be A Family – The Operating Manual’ were people who had started families and then ended up getting divorced. They really wanted to make sure they didn’t make the same mistakes twice! So ‘Family’ begins with the qualities to look for in finding a partner to the maintenance that is necessary for a healthy and dynamic relationship with your partner and your kids, and how to transform activities with toddlers and teenagers from being just obligations to becoming opportunities.

Q: Give us an example of how you would transform a mundane event, for example driving your kids to school, into something special?

HBS: Two of my kids really aren’t morning people so the drive to school used to be uneventful at best with all of us staring blankly out the windows. Then my wife started doing this ‘gratitude prayer’ that ended with ‘Open wide the door to morning, take beauty as a clay and mold an act of thankfulness for the blessing of this day, after which we would each go around the car and say what we were thankful for. My son might be thankful for a new song he learned on guitar or an upcoming choir performance, my daughter might be thankful for her teacher or a camping trip her class was going on, and my youngest daughter might be thankful for the little white bunny that was hopping around our neighborhood. Just saying this everyday transformed our morning. It was hard to be in a bad mood plus we all ended up leaving the car feeling somewhat connected with each other and involved in each other’s lives. It was a little action with an enormous impact.

Q: How important is ‘Family’ to our culture and our society today?

HBS: Family is the center – it’s everything to how healthy and alive our society is. Family impacts crime, violence, productivity, health – the whole thing. I’m trying to show people that how we choose to be in the world with our family members will affect our lives every single day. It’s what connects us to something far greater than ourselves and in the simplest and most profound way is our single strongest act we can do to make this world a better place. It’s a gift to ourselves and to the future.