How to be a Family

The Ties That Bond
What Parenting Experts are Saying About “Family”
Q&A
Press Release

The Ties That Bond

By Lauren Roberts

“The ties that bind” is a phrase often used to describe intimate relationships: couples, families, sometimes cultures. At their best, ties are beloved connections that promote a sense of union as well as a desire to give, to share, and to be together because of, rather than in spite of, those ties. On the other hand, ties can be painfully as well as technically accurate—tied up, tied down, tied to.

Why is this distinction important? Because one engenders feelings of obligation (even unconsciously) while the other creates choice. And when we offer the value of choice to ourselves, our partners and our children, we automatically offer the gift of genuine love.

How to be a Family: The Operating Manual by Howard Schiffer (Heartful Loving Press; $19.95), is a superb and practical guide to creating loving bonds rather than obligations. This is a book that manages to transcend its overcrowded genre through the use of simple, effective, realistic advice.

The advice is well-grounded. Schiffer began his career as a mid-wife, and for 25 years did one-on-one peer counseling. Through these experiences, he gained an unusual wisdom and a vision that allows him to practice what he preaches.

Though most of us think of a family unit as encompassing children, the fact is that a family begins with an adult relationship. It is proper then that Schiffer begins with that. His insights into the necessities of a successful partnership are accurate, so much so that this small part could well be the foundation for its own book. But as he makes clear, these mutual necessities—things such as habits, comfort zones, friends and commitment to growth—establish the strongest possible foundation for future togetherness as a family.

No part of creating a loving family unit is forgotten. Making a family should be, as Schiffer points out, a deliberate decision. He provides lists of questions everyone contemplating parenthood should ask. They won’t spoil the excitement of parenthood but they will make you think about inevitable issues such as co-birthing, last names, religion, middle-of-the-night problems, diapers, time-off periods, scheduling, vaccines, extended family involvement, discipline and boundaries, educational choices.

Discussing issues before they become issues is a technique that Schiffer incorporates throughout the text with uncommon effectiveness.

He wakes our attention to the essential minutiae that we absorbed as children and now unconsciously use as adults to interact in society, and shows us how to consciously pass the best of that along to our children. From good habits to school, from financial intelligence to family meetings, from daily maintenance of the relationships to teenagedom (the two are definitely related), from television to appreciation circles, Schiffer discusses the bits and pieces that often go unsaid because they have become unconscious. His ability to translate these into sensible family routines is what makes this book unique and special.

How to Be a Family combines brilliant insight, strong personal experiences (including his failings), pragmatic ideas and amusing stories in an excellent and compelling “how-to” book for first-time parents, people who are looking towards a new relationship and want to get it right the second time, or parents who are working to bring their families together. It is a strong reminder of what is possible at any given moment and how to make each moment special.